If You Go Searching, You’re Sure to Find Something

Back in April I recorded a podcast with a group a ladies for Moms Like Her “Moms Wine Too” event (you can find her blog on WordPress also).  It was recorded on Mommy Matters Wine Down podcast (Go check it out on Apple, Google Play or SoundCloud- It’s amazing, and I’m on there a lot!). The host, Antonia asked how we felt about checking phones-doing the checking and getting checked. There were mixed feelings throughout the room, but I was confident in my answer. You should be able to check your spouse’s phone!

I don’t know how many times I’ve heard the saying, “don’t go looking or you’ll find something” when it came to being in a relationship. “Once you go searching, you’re bound to find something.” When I think about it, I’ve only heard the saying directed toward women. It’s what she’s typically told when she has that gut feeling that her significant other is cheating on her.

Ultimately, I believe that both men and women should be able to communicate about whatever thoughts, feelings and insecurities they may have in the relationship. For example, if you’re uncomfortable with the amount of time your spouse spends on their phone at night, you should address it. The issue comes in when one has addressed it but is still unsatisfied. The sensible thing would be to bring it up in conversation again, and if you don’t see any change you free yourself from the relationship. Majority of the time, that’s not what happens. We need proof! Proof that nothing is going on, or proof that something is going on. What’s the first thing you do? You search through your spouse’s phone. The phone is the gateway to text messages, voicemails, call logs, emails and social media. But according to the masses, you shouldn’t go looking because you will in fact find something you won’t like.

To be honest, I do believe that you shouldn’t have to go searching through anyone’s phone; however, I don’t believe that you should find anything when you look. I think it’s unhealthy if you have to hide your phone, or an argument ensues if you do not share your pass code with your significant other.  Here’s why I personally believe that passwords should be shared:

  1. If there is an emergency, who do I notify besides the authorities? I’m pretty sure your next of kin would like to know if there is an emergency.
  2. If my phone is broken or has a dead battery, can I easily use your phone? Am I on the same level as a stranger and you dial everyone’s number for me?
  3. When you’re married, there’s no such thing as privacy (I’ll explain further).
  4. There shouldn’t be anything in your phone that is inappropriate!!

I know many people are testy when it comes to sharing pass codes to phones. I can understand why; it’s your phone and your privacy. But what happens when there is an accident that causes you to be hospitalized? If it’s serious enough for a stay in the hospital, I believe it’s important for someone to be able to get in contact with your loved one(s) immediately.

I also stated that there is no such thing as privacy when it comes to marriage. This is solely my opinion! The only secrets that exists between my husband and I are surprises for one another, or the privacy of our friends/family. For example, I will tell my husband who I’m talking to and that it’s about a private matter so that he won’t become skeptical about why I keep turning my phone away from him. Otherwise, it’s an open book. I realize everyone does not operate this way, but it works for my husband and I. We could literally take each other’s phones for the day and be just fine.

The last point, and the biggest point is that there shouldn’t be anything inappropriate or needing to be hidden in our phones! I disagree with society’s consensus that when you’re in a relationship, what’s in your spouse’s phone is none of your business. Yes; this is a portion of your relationship that you have to grow to. I don’t expect, or believe that as soon as you begin dating, or enter into a relationship you should drop the passwords into each other’s hands. I know there is a trust factor and it takes time to build, but it is not okay to go through a relationship and into marriage with secrecy.

I am appalled when someone finds something inappropriate in their spouse’s phone, the response is “well you shouldn’t have gone looking.”  The focus should be on the fact the person shouldn’t have found anything in their spouse’s phone. How many times have you watched a reality TV show and the woman finds inappropriate text messages in her man’s phone? The guy’s response is usually, “what were you doing in my phone?” It’s like the wrong doing takes a shift. While myself and some others may feel this way, there are some who are genuinely not bothered by this topic at all. They don’t want or need to know their significant other’s password, and don’t want them to look through their phone either. If that works for you, perfect! However, it doesn’t work for me.

I’m one who firmly believes in the phrase, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.” So if  you’re reading this, I challenge you to have a positive and candid conversation with your significant other and discuss the open door policy when it comes to looking through each others phones. This subject should not be approached in an argumentative manner. It can quickly go from feeling like a request to feeling like a demand. It’s no fun being given an ultimatum or being told to do something like you’re a child.

I’ll end with this… The next time someone says, “don’t go looking or you’ll find something,” tell them “there shouldn’t be anything there when I go looking.”



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Love, Mommy…

April 21, 2020, my husband and I experienced the loss of who we knew was our first born son, Jamir Titan Gurley. As I share my thoughts and feelings, he will be known as TJ and/or Titan.
My hope and prayer for this space is for it to be therapeutic not only for myself, but other women who've experienced pregnancy and/or baby loss. My goal is to build a genuine community where women who were unfortunately thrusted into this life truly find comfort and know they aren't alone. I'm no expert, and I won't pretend to be.

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