My Baby Was and Still Is A Big Deal

Many people fail to realize that when you experience the loss of a baby, life doesn’t continue the same. When parents (I don’t want to exclude partners who grieve with the mom) lose a baby, everyone else moves forward with their lives. The family who was expecting to grow by another heartbeat is grappling trying to figure out how to go on. It amazes and disappoints me how many women receive unsolicited advice to encourage them to move forward with life, get over it, try again, or hit you with “at least…” statements. You try so hard not to hurt that person’s feelings because they’re only trying to “help”, meanwhile it’s crushing your soul listening to them minimize the life you just lost. The life that was just inside you seems unimportant. You find yourself wondering if you’re being dramatic because your pregnancy was still early. You’ve had your rainbow baby now, so you should be ok. That couldn’t be further from the truth. The truth is babies are a big deal and losing them in any fashion is life-shattering.

Experiencing a pregnancy loss is not just an emotional loss. The physical pain a woman goes through when losing her child is so intense. A miscarriage is not just a period. A stillbirth is not something you just snap back from. The physical experience during and after a loss is a reminder of the very beautiful life that was in you is now gone. Some women labor. Some women’s water break. Some women push. Some women birth vaginally or through surgery. Emotionally you’re a wreck, and mentally you’re not even hanging on by a thread. You’re simply there. 

No one prepares you for the loss of your baby/babies. No one tells you that you’ll have to decide on whether you will toss your deceased baby in the trash or flush them down the toilet after they’ve finally passed. No one tells you about the contractions during and after. No one tells you about having to make funeral/burial arrangements for your baby instead of scheduling their first pediatric visit. No one tells you about how the only time you’ll get to spend with your baby outside of your womb is holding their lifeless body. No one tells you how after you lose your baby, you have to clean yourself up and walk out of the bathroom to be a parent to your living children. No one tells you about the surgery you have to get to remove everything that existed with your pregnancy. I think it’s safe to say that baby was and is a big deal considering how life-changing losing them was. But “at least you already have children”, right? “At least you know you can get pregnant.” “I’m sure you’ll be ok the next time you’re pregnant.” “You’re pregnant now, you have to let the past go.” “I don’t count that baby, just the ones I can see.” “It’s been so many years, and you’ve had other children since then.”

If you’ve lost your baby/babies. Your baby was and is still a big deal. Your baby was and is important. You’re not being dramatic. You don’t need to nor have to get over it. Take it one second at a time. 

If you know someone who has experienced the loss of a baby. It makes a huge difference when you call their baby by name and acknowledge their existence.

Dear TJ,

You are so loved and missed. I am never ok around this time, but I’m trying to be.

Love,

Mommy…

Posted by

April 21, 2020, my husband and I experienced the loss of who we knew was our first born son, Jamir Titan Gurley. As I share my thoughts and feelings, he will be known as TJ and/or Titan.
My hope and prayer for this space is for it to be therapeutic not only for myself, but other women who've experienced pregnancy and/or baby loss. My goal is to build a genuine community where women who were unfortunately thrusted into this life truly find comfort and know they aren't alone. I'm no expert, and I won't pretend to be.

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